Well, this is my first time trying a blog. It is 12:30 am. I close my eyes but my mind won’t shut off. Not sure about what other people have racing through their brain in the middle of the night. I can’t top worrying about bills , will I find a job, am I doing a good job as a mom? Today was Easter and I tried to be positive, hiding the impulse to snarl at every post and text that was wishing me a happy day filled with faith. Inside I was a negative anxious broken person trying not to cry and make it through the day so my girl could have her Easter Basket and Egg Hunt.
The one redeeming moment of faith in humanity came when a friend asked if she could put eggs in my front yard for my daughter to hunt and another mom asked me to go to church with her, but that is not where I find solace. My boyfriend and I are both fighting either allergies or head colds. Either way we are both grumpy and snotty messes. I am extra snappy and hoping it doesn’t bother him or hurt CJ’s feelings. Stress is a killer and it is stalking me.
In my mind I just want to wave a wand and fix everything but I am a Muggle through and through so that is not going to happen. So I sit up every night trying to come up with a plan. The ADHD is kicking my ass and I jump from what I need to do to bring in money for bills and then down a rabbit hole for what I need to clean up or fix in the house, all because I put clean sewing room on my to do list.
So each day I am just going to tackle one thing at a time. Tomorrow, to do list:
- Get Up
- Get CJ up and ready for school
- Pack her lunch and make breakfast
- Walk her to School
- Make sure I stay on top of my healthy choices.
- Balance Checkbook
- Make plan for how to pay bills for next month
- Find a job
- Remember to be kind and present when she comes home from school.
- Wash, Rinse, Repeat
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